A Critical Social Faux Pas You Must Avoid in Mexico
[Night Owl: Photo credit: Gene Robinson, Boyfriend]
A few years ago, I had invited a Mexican girlfriend over for dinner at the house where I was staying in Guadalaraja. She arrived around ten at night. In between Heinkekins and spaghetti (my go-to recipe in unfamiliar kitchens), we shared a little about our family histories.
I marveled to myself how much a woman from rural Oklahoma like me could have in common with a woman from rural Sonora, Mexico. We had both elected lives independent of our families and moved out of state. We both took risks that were unconventional in our day. She was her family's first college graduate and left her pueblo. I was the only person I knew from my hometown to attend college in Europe for a year.
We both had struck out into the unknown and knew its price. My friend doesn't have a large network of family support like most Mexicans have. I too know that loneliness. We ate and covered all this ground in my hideous Spanish, and would come to cover much more over the next few years, proving that you don't have to speak the language well (in my case, practically at all) to develop intimate friendships.
Most expats, however secretly, crave Mexican friends. Even with a large social circle of expat friends, they still know that they are missing out without them. You see groups of Mexicans your age and ache to participate in the warmth and camaraderie that's distinct to Latin culture. It was particularly true for me as I routinely watched large tables of Mexican women in restaurants seemingly doing nothing more than cooing at one another.
If not the language then, what are some of the barriers gabachos/as erect to friendship with the natives? Where do many potential friendships go off the rail before they even begin?
The clue can be found in the scenario I just described, the one where I mentioned my friend coming over for dinner at 10:00 at night.
Imagine for a minute that you're back home in the U.S. or Canada. You are visiting a friend at his house. It is a little later than usual. You are enjoying yourself. You're telling your host a story or anecdote that you’re enjoying sharing. You see him glance at his watch, or he/she stands up and stretches.
How does that make you feel?
Now multiply that feeling by ten. That's how your prospective Mexican friend feels when you indicate in any way that you are ready for the sack when they are visiting you. "But", you may say, what if I am really tired? What if I did a lot of housework or didn't sleep well the night before. What about my bedtime?”
So what do you do when they don't leave when you're ready to retire for the night, or they happen to be in the neighborhood and drop by at 10:00 at night?
You buck up, soldier.
That includes forgoing that stretch; the nearly passive-aggressive barely-concealed yawn, the letting your eyes droop and responding minimally to what's going on, all in the hope that the guest will take notice and leave. They’re methods that work well at home. Sure, your new Mexican friend will leave. Unlike your friends at home, however, they will not come back. I have this on very good authority.
Instead of surrendering to your personal comfort, you must engage. You must respond with whatever energy you can summon, tapping all your resources (coffee, tequila, jumping jacks) if necessary. Otherwise, you can requisition yourself to a limited range of social options that include activities like 5:00 happy hours and dinners at 6:00 P.M. in empty resuarants and activities where you’ll be surrounded by only by expats who are all your age or older.
Maybe that's okay with you.
In this specific blog, however, I'm talking to the select subset (most likely this won't be my most popular blog.) who want more, those who are willing to put as much time into learning a little Spanish as they do watching television and reading novels in order to make a few Mexican friends.
These are the people who really do want the adventure of living in Mexico. These are people who also have intuited how important Mexican friends might be to your budget (as they know a great deal about costs in Mexico, what Mexicans pay), personal safety and finding responsible local service providers for the host of tasks you’ll need to accomplish in your daily life there, not to mention being more likely to do something for you without having to ask (Mexicans are like that.)
In general, Mexicans operate on different biological clocks than Americans, at least two hours later. Mexicans go to work later, often take over an hour for lunch if they are middle managers or bosses (they go home, give the office to underlings and don't come back until after 2:00 and then work until 7 or so). Dinner might be at 9-10 at night.
I have gone to parties in Mexico and seen 90-year women sitting quietly in the corner wide awake at 3:00 a.m. They've kept this schedule their entire lives. They understand that these parties are the important occasions for family bonding. Even when they aren't saying a word, they’re more aware than you think, these old women, leaning against the wall in their chairs observing the antics of the couples and teenagers around them.
Many expats proudly announce their precious bedtimes to the world and then seem bewildered that they never get invited to Mexican social events and functions in spite of their passable Spanish. Mexicans soon give up on stopping by when you lower the shade at 8:00. I can't help but think many of these expats will wish one day they'd summoned up their reserves, fought off their fatigue and shared some body heat while they could. Making friends just gets harder, not easier as we get older.
Just like in college, some of the most revealing, bonding conversations you'll ever have will take place after midnight when people's guards are down. These moments don't always come at your convenience, or on your sleep schedule.
You can’t expect Mexico to conform to your sleep schedule any more than you can expect it to speak your language. You are not a slave to your body clock. You have probably forgotten how you gradually shifted your sleep schedule from all-nighters and sleeping 'till noon when you graduated from college in order to keep a 9-5 job.
Your schedule change was not your body clock suddenly dictating new terms but rather vocational exigencies. The early to bed, early to rise ideology came into being during the Industrial Age, when factories owners needed to coerce workers out of pubs and home to bed early to better serve their new masters.
Don’t surrender to a grumpy expat schedule in Mexico. Take a mid-afternoon nap. Drink a spot of coffee around 4:00. Do a little exercise later than you otherwise might. Grab a nap at 8:00 and take that invitation to salir at 10:30 at night. Experiment with their routine and see if you can’t align yours a little better to the rest of the hive.
Otherwise, you will find yourself continually arriving too late to the cultural buffet table when all that’s left are carrot sticks. The real occasions, the party everyone talks about, will be starting two hours after you leave.
You want to answer the door and stay up with your Mexican friends for the same reason you’ll stay awake for your grandchildren some day, and for the same reason that you used to have one more drink with your boss: These people could become very important to your life in a foreign country.
It’s not all about you, by the way.
And yes, there are subtle, socially acceptable ways to retirarse, but you haven’t earned them yet.
So for now, buck up.
About the Author
Kerry Baker is the author of "If Only I Had a Place," a guide to renting well in Mexico. Renting in Mexico is different. Avoid the pitfalls and take advantage of the special opportunities you have as an expat renting in Mexico. Get the most luxurious places for less year after year.
The third book is “The Mexico Solution": Saving your money, sanity, and quality of life through part-time life in Mexico.” This book will not leave you numb like others of its genre. Her most recent book is a cookbook for travelers, snowbirds and expats, “The Lazy Expat: Healthy Recipes That Translate in Mexico.” Cooking in a foreign culture is a real challenge. This book will enable you to maintain a healthy diet in Mexico.